To Breast or not to Breast. That is the question...

     A long time between posts doesn't even begin to describe it! Looks like we have a new addition to the family, Ms. Willa joined our family May 1st, 2014. At 8 lbs, 9 ounces, she surpassed my OB's suggestion of a 7 pounder by a smidge. At five years old, both the boys have done remarkable well with the interloper. They have, for the most part, enjoyed her cooing and smiles, not as much with the out and out crying. Willa has laryngomalacia, a condition that describes a floppy larynx that causes a really weird noise when she breathes, cries or eats. For the most part, Willa is now gaining weight, eh wasn't for the first two months of her young life, and breastfeeding has by all accounts gone out the window. This brings me to my point, breast is best except when breast is not working out well at all. Doesn't seem to rhyme well at all, but he conundrum remains, what happened to the idealic image of my breastfeeding mecca. A singleton baby, attached and well fed, a mother relaxed and unburdened but he cumbersome bottles, formula and rinse routine? Well, apparently dashed in a pool of medical issues, failure to thrive diagnosis and breast aversion…yes, it's a thing. While the suck and breathe reflex for babies with this laryngo condition is taxed, some babies cannot coordinate the two in order to breastfeed. At least that's what the literature says. Oh yeah, and one lactation consultation whose words were.."maybe when she's older?",
  While the logical side of my mind understands that breastfeeding and pumping for that matter work for some and not for others, the emotional side of my brain feels defeated, unmotherly, and as though I have failed my little wee one. To look at her now, however, she is happy slurping away on a Dr. Brown's bottle as opposed to a Mrs. Brown…does she really care that much? Probably she is happy to know that food is coming and that she can breathe, right?
   Oh, the hullabaloo of feeding your baby, I can't decide if it has been politicized so much that it has become an issue or if this emotional issue has become political all on its own merit? Whathaveyou, hopefully when next I post I have relieved my self of the guilt and shame of unsuccessfully breastfeeding my baby, Fingers crossed.

It has been a long time between posts - we have all stayed warm and now in July we are trying to keep cool! A week of heat wave temperatures, nineties and up, thank goodness we are coming around with water activities. Work has been a little arduous for me, trying to adjust to the hours of my part-time evening hours, ugh, finish at 11:30pm, home by 12:30, bed by 1 am ish, wake by 6:30 am. It is interesting to me that sleep deprivation has always felt fine at first, even perhaps a little warmly stoic with a nice fuzzy outline to things at the beginnings. However, now it feels like an impossible waking and a feet dragging morning at times. Henry is such an interesting boy at four years old, everything is for looking at and figuring out; the rides at Canobie Lake, the sprinkler and the pressure system, absolutely everything in Henry's world must be examined and figured out. He is destined to be an engineer. Eliot also has been doing well, we are trying our best to sort out his serves and how best to help him with his anxiety and rigidity. It is challenging as people in school tend to see Eliot as neurotypical for the most part. Eli loves to save his feelings for Mom at home, yeah!!! As it is, Tova sees some of his challenging behaviors and certainly Matt and I try to help him with identifying his feelings and learning some "coping skills" to handle his feelings. Eli is now officially done with diapers and we could not be happier, he has come a long way. Both numbers on the toilet, sound the trumpets! Matt is working like a maniac and has recently experienced terrible inner ear vertigo and is still going to work - how awesome is he? BOth kids defer to him more and more as he spends the evening hours with them in their hardest hours, a little tough training for all. Everyone survived and that is a victory. Summer is here and with it the heat I was discussing, we are getting better at pools, wading pools and even yes, wait for it SPRINKLERS!!!! ELi put his foot in the sprinkler yesterday as Henry said, "Look Eli, I will turn it down and you can wash your foot, see Eli, it's not scary" "we're twins, and so we love each other more than other people…” ― Louisa May Alcott, Little Men

"plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose"—"the more it changes, the more it's the same thing", usually translated as "the more things change, the more they stay the same," (Les Guêpes, January 1849) -Alphonse Karr

So much has changed, so much is the same. I am now officially someone who is on the "paid labor" side of things. That's right, bringing home the bacon, albeit a little on the slim side:) The boys attend the 1/2 day program at their preschool and we are feeling the pressure of having to puzzle piece our childcare pick-ups while I attend some day training for my night job. It feels good to be a part of the paid working world, but I miss my little boys too, wonder about their day and if they have their forty cents for milk, if Eli is adjusting alright or if I will get a "with prompting" comment on his social skills report. I have been learning the art of phlebotomy and other lab skills. It is difficult to be the new girl and to have to learn new girl stuff, but it is also a challenge and I enjoy those, too. The holidays are swooping in and for me I have always looked forward to and loved them, having my kids has just intensified that love. I am truly grateful. We are going to have a big whopping Christmas at Nana and Papa's house and the kids are truly beside themselves with excitement. They are feeling the magic of the season and it is contagious. We are hoping to build our finances and to move in the spring, perhaps a larger place? Our boys certainly do not lack any of the important stuff and they have a large community here. I keep telling myself money is not everything, but it helps. Stay tuned for the next installment, until then stay warm.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? ~Lily Tomlin

It has been some time since my last post. I feel a little like some underwater sea creature coming up for air. I have some time and some space to breathe, just a little. I am basking in the short yet sweet respite of my pass in the Boston EMT course, now for the real deal - the State Exam!!! I am proud and somewhat surprised, I finished with a 90% and a 92.5% in the practical final. I almost needed some resuscitation! My partner and I toughed it out and rode the proverbial "stress stallion" (see Kari for explanation).

It is hard to think that in three months my little muffin cups will be three years old! How far we have come. Eliot has had a really tough week, although he has made such great progress it is scary to see how quickly his progress is undone by a week of provider changes and schedule interruptions. His eye stimulatio's have increased, his stomping and his dislike of light touch or sometimes touching at all. It is painful sometimes to see how difficult it is for him to self-regulate. We have been looking into a supported preschool program for both him and Henry. We are awaiting the school's decision on what kinds of programs he will have access to and what sorts of services he will receive. I am trying not to be confrontational about the meeting and trying to meet the group of professionals with an open optimism, but my gut is telling me something else. Thank goodness in Massachusetts there are clear cut paths for recourse and revision, I would just rather not have to use them.

Both boys are growing like weeds, Henry has graduated to the potty ( we are working on Mr. number 2) but all in all we are on track.

Matt and I have written out a substantial plan for our lives, I know, I know, plan away while life takes you on a completely different ride:) Planning anyway, we need some upward mobility at this point.

I feel as though Rachel, the non-Mom or at least Rachel ( the original ) has appeared again and she was nice enough to take me out for beers with actual people. All good, all enticing. I am looking to fill up all my proverbial cups ( what the hell show was that? ) anyway, to replenish all of the areas in my life that have needed replenishing. First stop, hair -

Better a tooth out than always aching. Thomas Fuller

Yep, got my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday. It was an emergency affair and rather painful at the onset. While it was quickly yanked, the Novocaine has worn off today and it is a tad bit throbby. Generally I am feeling quite tough:)

Needless to say, been busy! Class is now halfway completed. I have scored ever so much better than I could have imagined. I usually have a rather poor perception of my own ability to succeed, I suppose in my younger years those fears were grounded in a rather long string of failures. Looking back now, all of the school issues and the multiple expulsions from various places were, in fact, my own design; that and an overly developed dislike of authority figures.
Strangely school now, the late hours, the homework, the stress and test anxiety, are all wonderful places for me to develop personally. The kids, my "domestic life" as it is, Eliot's daily appointments with people take an incredible amount of time and energy. It is nice to feel as though there is something just for me. Besides, I really like this amazing stuff I am learning.

Eliot is doing well with three, wait four ladies that come to our house and help him with his sensory issues, social skills, eye contact, waiting skills and the list goes on. The results have been impressive. Eliot has come from a no eye contact, high anxiety place of beginning and has moved to a lot of eye contact, better social skills and a generally happier experience of the world. It is amazing, we are blessed to have had this access for Eliot.

Henry continues to talk and talk...he is like a little man! His imagination is very well developed and the world is his oyster, really it is:)

Matt's job is going very well, he is impressive ( as I knew he would be ) and his bosses are rather bowled over by his 10/10
teacher -evaluation scores from his difficult students. We are fairly sure they will be offering him salary soon. Pheeww, so glad for that.

We are all working hard and feeling hopeful, things are on the up.

There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~Coco Chanel

Want some pasta with all that sauce? Yes, the toddlers have taken over. Henry and Eliot's insistence on the word, "No!" have been figuring prominently. As have the, "I don have time for dat, daddy" and the throwing, pushing, "Mine,mine,mine" ugh! Matt and I are persevering...barely. We are trying to be consistent and to not allow ourselves to also merit timeouts! Although sometimes I really need one, ha,ha,ha!

Throughout all of this growth and conspicuous early teen behaviour, Eliot and Henry have been doing well. All of Eliot's people have been coming on daily basis and will continue to do so. We do not yet see a big change in his tricky behaviours, the ABA person seems confident that we can start working on some things. Having a hand in dealing with his level of frustration and subsequent tantrums would be great. But on the plus side, Matt has, by some amazing feat of brilliance, continued to find a way to help Eliot to handle bath-time. Matt is the water whisperer and I am so relieved. No more screams or holding in the tub, Eliot now listens and seems to tolerate the "three times and then dab-dab" rule. Yeah!!!!

Henry is still talking a mile a minute and he is so lively, at all our playgroups Henry helps Eliot to acclimate and tells him that "it'll be fun, Eyiot".

Matt is working hard and the ESL instructor job is holding on, of course it is, and Matt will soon be starting a photography club. I wanna be in his class:) He is also ( hush, hush ) working on what will be a stellar novel. Good things, good creative juices flowing.

As for ME, I am launching into trauma assessments and learning about touching people and various rote tasks. I am tired, still waiting not to be quite so exhausted.

The fam is ticking along,
Poor but happy,

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou

Now I am in it, mixed in and thoroughly diced, sliced and pureed in it; school! Yes. The homework, reading, mad test panic, the flash-card making, not enough time, do I remember this from how many years ago feelings...Yes, check, all the listed passengers are accounted for! Phewww. It is an exciting and yet terrifying time for Rachel.

All good things, yet the constant barrage of information especially at the 7-10 pm range are sapping my strength. "Must...get...coffee...now."
I think it is also our Captain's manner of alluding to the bell mentality of our particular course. I am thinking of the Marine Corps. and the basic training scene that always pops up in movies where some drill Sergeant is daring his recruits to ring the bell so that they can go home, stop the pain, and relax.
Our EMT class version of this seems to be couched in the subtle, yet effective way in which we are told that EMTs are prone to stress, burnout, PTSD and that many people find themselves in the position of realizing that they are not, in fact, cut out for the job. That the hours are brutal, the pay is crap and well, let's face it, it is a tough job. It is in these moments that I am forced to wonder if the Cap. isn't just weeding out the weak. Wait, I'm not the weak, am I? No, no, my tenacious mind replies. I am the strong, I can do this...

During the day, my boys are busier by the minute as my Eliot is accessing all kinds of different services related to his diagnosis. We are excited about the ABA lady who will be joining us and I have been looking into any and all kinds of animal therapies. I won't lie, it is a lot to know and a lot to contend with in terms of the information out there. I have been reading both about Autism and ABA therapies as well as sensory issues and activities. By night I am chin deep in anatomy and pathophysiology. My life has taken a most interesting turn, directly inside it seems.

Eliot's scripted speech moments are becoming more and more frequent and sometimes really quite funny. He is fond of saying, " Okay, yeah, sure" in quite a loud and boisterous tone, followed by, "thank-you you're welcome." Henry told Uncle the other day that he looked tired, " Maybe you needa take a nap of a cup of coffee?" Yeah, he really did.

As time is just flying by I am realizing this will be the boys' third fall already, I love watching them get bigger. We are all ready for the next step - stay tuned.