Halloween approaches, the trees are suitably dressed. I can feel the time slipping by when I look at how big my two boys have gotten, 18 months old today. Pheeww, I cannot even imagine what my life felt like without them, it is as though they have always been in our lives.

Henry's constant questioning and requests to "Oh-bum?" everything that can be closed and opened. While Eliot barks away at his doggies and points out every single light that is "Ohhhnnnnuh" and calls so sweetly for his brother, "Ennnnnn-yeeeaaaa". All of this deliciousness and goodness amidst all the stress and tension, quite a lucky paradox really.

The boys have so enjoyed their Da-da home and while we continue to do our things that we get up to, Dad visits or pops in at playgroups or parks and the both kids are so happy to see him, and Matt to see them.

This is the next part, the next chapter, I can see it in the gait of my newly running children, the way that new roads will soon be appearing. It is as though we are cresting over a hill and we are just now able to see past the line of the horizon and beyond.

We are poor, very poor, but reasonably happy ( read totally stressed out!) but there is a calm, knowing that we are okay. Maybe we are the kings of Calamity, I would rather think we are not getting too good at living so close to disaster, I would rather think that we have found some faith. The faith in ourselves, the universe, but mostly in how much we love our kids and each other, that this good thing will see us over the next ridge ( that and a lot of hard work).

We are working hard, Matt is working hard, I see him reaching and stretching for the next thing, the job that will be the one, the answers for us. I am so proud of him. I am looking to start my course ( money permitting ) in January. We are all ready.

I am surprisingly calm, centered, feeling good. There is always tomorrow, but for now, c'est beau:)

I should be a tour guide of MEEI...

It has been some time since I have written, I did not want to start sounding like the "hospital lady" as all of my news lately has been health related; I was starting to feel a little as though I was typecasting myself:)

As it stands, and to be brief, Henry had yet another surgery tuesday night, suffice it to say that all looks well now as both eyes have been "re-done" and we are hoping for the best. Ugh! and double ugh!

Now we begin the first week of Matt's non - working and a little part of me is happy as we will get to spend time as a family, and as it turns out, I can get a little "me" time. I am trying to squeeze in a zumba class and perhaps a driving lesson. Weird to be thinking in terms of me and my time, wow, I forgot about how awesome that can be.

I am bone tired, psychically exhausted and hoping that we can catch a break.

Seeing my sister this weekend, fresh from the motherland was great, I love her sooo much.

I will continue to bore with my health talk and my pseudo hopefulness ( wink, wink ) and make small wishes into the night...

xoxoxo

Leaves are falling, leaves are falling all around...

When I was little the sharp, crisp air, the leaves collecting in crunchy piles along the sidewalks, all heralded new beginning: fall. It was not just that autumn was in swing, it was more. School was starting and the long, lingering days of summer were receding in to the background, this was serious, this was september.
In a flash, even september seems to be flying by.
I love new starts, I remember new notebooks with my perfect handwriting vowing that this year would be the year, this year I would stop being the dreamy look-out-of-the-window student, I would start being the A-plus student.
And what a dream it was, for at least a week:)
I find that our lives are taking that same turn, change, newness, things ready for a new start. Matt still waits to hear back about the many jobs he has been applying for - I believe in him. I know things will be okay, we could just use that good news sooner than later:)
Something about today, the quality of late afternoon sunlight, the blue of the sky and the laughing little smiles from our two lovely boys made me think that we are on the up swing. It just felt that way.
I try to remember to be thankful, to be grateful for all the good and to try and not internalize all of the worry and strife, today that was pretty easy.

Living in the moment, right inside of it is sometimes the key to enjoying life I think. That moment of pavement and rolling plastic cars, children laughing and our family together, I am glad I could savour it, I sucked all the marrow of it, it was delicious.

The only way is up...

I feel as though anything that could have gone wrong with Henry's simple tear duct surgery, did! After the horrendous post-anaesthesia wake-up, following the actual stent loosening and coming out ( it literally looked like a figure eight of very thin, very pliable fishing line coming out of the corner of his eye and resting on the lens of his eyeball), to the visit on Friday ( emergency visit due to the stent coming out), as well as the stent continuing to come out further on Saturday, to the second surgery Sunday morning! Suffice it to say, Henry did not love it, but it is over. His eye appears to be okay, nothing coming out, all the parts are inside. That is what we like. Phhheewwww. Nana, aka Matt's mom was kind enough to turn around and come back over to our little small apartment and sleep on an air mattress to be with first, Eliot, while Henry was in surgery and then Henry while Eliot came with us to see ( drum roll please) Dr. B. who is in fact just bloody lovely!

Boston Children's Hospital boasts quite a rep, especially for an out-of-towner like myself, I was more than impressed. Dr. B appears to be everything that Dr. P is not: organized, informative, warm and yes, has a plan for our little corn-muffin, Eliot. Complete with colour charts of the urinary system to handy pull-out plasticized sheets of kidneys with easy to understand drawings that he patiently explains a step at a time. I feel as though we have broken up with Dr. P, we just could not abide his ways, and we are seeing a new flame, the Doc with the charts, the man with the plan, Doc. Beeeeeee.

We are thrilled, Matt and I could barely contain our relief after the hospital tours this week, it was a wonderful to have such a good experience. Thanks to Uncle Mark for hanging out Eliot in the waiting room so we could have a proper chat without the "...no, don't touch that, sorry, go on, Eliot, not in your mouth please. Sorry, do go on, hang-on, I told you not to lick that, it's dirty" scenario playing out.

More tests for Eli, but at least these tests have a purpose and a plan.

Also, EI came today to see about my boys and to see if the still qualified at 16 months for more help. They don't 'cause they are genuises and they are awesome. Just saying...hope this is the momentum roll that continues. We could use it.

Not so Routine, Routine Surgery

What a day we had yesterday - there is something beautiful about the normalcy of watching my boys play in their tent and haul around toys. After what was supposed to be a "routine" tear duct probing and irrigation/repair for Henry it turned into something a lot more involved!
After arriving at MEEI at 6:00 am, he was prepped for surgery and I went with him while he was put under. All was relatively normal until we found ourselves waiting into the second hour of his "20 minute surgery"...
I met with Henry, my little 16mth old guy, still out and swaddled in the arms of a nurse, a wad of gauze under his nose, both eyes nearly swollen shut, one purpled and beginning to look like Rocky Balboa! He had blood coming out of his nose at intervals and soaking the little piece of gauze, ugh, it was something to see.
Needless to say, I was not prepared for that as I was told that he would not even know what had occurred and would pretty much dust himself off and keep on keeping on...
I felt the colour drain from my face and the nurse telling me to breathe as I held my little guy. He was given morphine twice as he was not dealing with coming out of the anaesthesia very well. He was kicking and wiggling and screaming quite a bit until we were admitted to our own little room. Finally, at long last listening to his Dada's voice reading a story, he fell asleep.
Apparently, it was not as routine as they thought, Dr. Ponytail said that they had run into some issues but had placed stints on either side of his ducts to help drain. THe good news, it's done and his eyes should get better and the tears will have somewhere to go.
Thankfully, Eliot stayed with his lovely Nana who is always there to help us. I really don't know what we would do without her, Eliot was quiet while his twin was away and as Nana relates, missing his bro.

So, today, quiet and restfulness.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone...

Thankfully, after what seemed like a deluge of biblical proportions, sun. I felt quite intrepid however, trundling around Malden in the rain with my double stroller and handy ( read: expensive) rain shield. I felt that in spending so much on the damn rain shield meant that I had to get some use out of it. We did. To the library, the CVS, the play date around the corner, and home again.
Today the quiet, still sunlight seems just the thing - good!
My parents are arriving on the noon flight from Toronto. They will be staying in a hotel, which I am pleased about, as our two-bedroom apartment is small, and smaller still with the pressure (mostly self-inflicted) of being a good "host" while running around after my two very busy 16 month old boys. One day when we are rich ( ha! ) and we have a house with a lovely guest room and a guest bathroom, we can invite people to stay with us. Until then, the air-mattress in the middle of the floor is less suited to 65 year olds and frankly, to the tolerance level of the younger set:)
I have planned a loose fashioning for the rentals when they arrive and thankfully, Matt will be doing daddy-duty to offset their nap schedules ( we always try to respect the nap).
The Doctor thing is on hold as Dr. B is now replacing Dr.P and we will hopefully get some answers regarding Eliot's kidney quite soon.
We are crossing our fingers about Matt's job, haven't heard anything yet. Pumping out the good vibes just the same.

In response to a comment...

Jennifer said...
You circumcised your boys? Why?

August 13, 2010 5:32 PM


So, I was just going to post a reply when I suddenly became so incensed and had to wonder at my feelings. Hmmmmm, Rachel why so pissy? I started thinking that being asked this kind of question is a form of judgment. It is a way of injecting a kind of pejorative, sanctimonious blanket over a seemingly benign query.
I realized that such a big part of mothering is going on guts, instinct, cultural norms and upbringing and I believe that most moms are constantly questioning themselves anyway. I myself am always questioning, wondering, asking my mom friends, "Do you think that xyz is ___________?". So, when other people/moms/ questions and judge it really frosts my cupcakes. What works for one mom may not work for another, the secret, I think, is finding out what works for you.

I wanted to relate a pre-mother example of just this sort of thing using "moi" as my character.

Let us begin, enter Rachel at the University of Toronto, women's studies class, circa 1997. Rachel ( me ) totally self-righteous, knowing all of the answers, thanks for coming out but I came to teach YOU something ( read: sighing with shame ). Yes, well, that Rachel was going on about the perils of using hospital drugs while in childbirth, enduring the pain without drugs was "natural" I remember stating in my neverhadababy wisdom. I remember saying something like, "Why would you get an epidural? So your baby can be all drugged out when he/she is born?".
I thought I had that all wrapped up when an older woman approached me and said, " Until you have given birth, you should not claim to know what choices that you will make. Also, it is about choice, it is about what works for each woman in that situation." and she calmly sauntered off.
I remember that flaming face feeling of knowing, gulp, that she was right, and also that it was not my job to decide what was right for all women, just for me. Ironic, really when in later years I had an emergency c-section, spinal -blockers, and a slew of other non"natural" drugs. See how the universe makes you learn?

That lesson stays with me, and it has certainly been emphasized by all of experiences here, in Boston, with twins.
So, I guess in response to Jennifer:

Do I detect a derisive sort of judgmental tone? I could tell you that it was health reasons, that my son's degenerative kidney function forced us into it. That in Quebec, where both of my sons were born, they no longer perform circs. as a routine birth procedure. I could tell you that my other son has a kind of phimosis that called for surgery. I could tell you this as a way of apologizing for my choices, or I could just hope that in a community of women, of mothers, that we respect our different choices, we attempt not to judge each other, but to support one another. Lord knows, raising kids is hard enough.

So, from old Rachel to new Rachel, (Ha, I get it), knew you would :)