"plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose"—"the more it changes, the more it's the same thing", usually translated as "the more things change, the more they stay the same," (Les Guêpes, January 1849) -Alphonse Karr

So much has changed, so much is the same. I am now officially someone who is on the "paid labor" side of things. That's right, bringing home the bacon, albeit a little on the slim side:) The boys attend the 1/2 day program at their preschool and we are feeling the pressure of having to puzzle piece our childcare pick-ups while I attend some day training for my night job. It feels good to be a part of the paid working world, but I miss my little boys too, wonder about their day and if they have their forty cents for milk, if Eli is adjusting alright or if I will get a "with prompting" comment on his social skills report. I have been learning the art of phlebotomy and other lab skills. It is difficult to be the new girl and to have to learn new girl stuff, but it is also a challenge and I enjoy those, too. The holidays are swooping in and for me I have always looked forward to and loved them, having my kids has just intensified that love. I am truly grateful. We are going to have a big whopping Christmas at Nana and Papa's house and the kids are truly beside themselves with excitement. They are feeling the magic of the season and it is contagious. We are hoping to build our finances and to move in the spring, perhaps a larger place? Our boys certainly do not lack any of the important stuff and they have a large community here. I keep telling myself money is not everything, but it helps. Stay tuned for the next installment, until then stay warm.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? ~Lily Tomlin

It has been some time since my last post. I feel a little like some underwater sea creature coming up for air. I have some time and some space to breathe, just a little. I am basking in the short yet sweet respite of my pass in the Boston EMT course, now for the real deal - the State Exam!!! I am proud and somewhat surprised, I finished with a 90% and a 92.5% in the practical final. I almost needed some resuscitation! My partner and I toughed it out and rode the proverbial "stress stallion" (see Kari for explanation).

It is hard to think that in three months my little muffin cups will be three years old! How far we have come. Eliot has had a really tough week, although he has made such great progress it is scary to see how quickly his progress is undone by a week of provider changes and schedule interruptions. His eye stimulatio's have increased, his stomping and his dislike of light touch or sometimes touching at all. It is painful sometimes to see how difficult it is for him to self-regulate. We have been looking into a supported preschool program for both him and Henry. We are awaiting the school's decision on what kinds of programs he will have access to and what sorts of services he will receive. I am trying not to be confrontational about the meeting and trying to meet the group of professionals with an open optimism, but my gut is telling me something else. Thank goodness in Massachusetts there are clear cut paths for recourse and revision, I would just rather not have to use them.

Both boys are growing like weeds, Henry has graduated to the potty ( we are working on Mr. number 2) but all in all we are on track.

Matt and I have written out a substantial plan for our lives, I know, I know, plan away while life takes you on a completely different ride:) Planning anyway, we need some upward mobility at this point.

I feel as though Rachel, the non-Mom or at least Rachel ( the original ) has appeared again and she was nice enough to take me out for beers with actual people. All good, all enticing. I am looking to fill up all my proverbial cups ( what the hell show was that? ) anyway, to replenish all of the areas in my life that have needed replenishing. First stop, hair -

Better a tooth out than always aching. Thomas Fuller

Yep, got my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday. It was an emergency affair and rather painful at the onset. While it was quickly yanked, the Novocaine has worn off today and it is a tad bit throbby. Generally I am feeling quite tough:)

Needless to say, been busy! Class is now halfway completed. I have scored ever so much better than I could have imagined. I usually have a rather poor perception of my own ability to succeed, I suppose in my younger years those fears were grounded in a rather long string of failures. Looking back now, all of the school issues and the multiple expulsions from various places were, in fact, my own design; that and an overly developed dislike of authority figures.
Strangely school now, the late hours, the homework, the stress and test anxiety, are all wonderful places for me to develop personally. The kids, my "domestic life" as it is, Eliot's daily appointments with people take an incredible amount of time and energy. It is nice to feel as though there is something just for me. Besides, I really like this amazing stuff I am learning.

Eliot is doing well with three, wait four ladies that come to our house and help him with his sensory issues, social skills, eye contact, waiting skills and the list goes on. The results have been impressive. Eliot has come from a no eye contact, high anxiety place of beginning and has moved to a lot of eye contact, better social skills and a generally happier experience of the world. It is amazing, we are blessed to have had this access for Eliot.

Henry continues to talk and talk...he is like a little man! His imagination is very well developed and the world is his oyster, really it is:)

Matt's job is going very well, he is impressive ( as I knew he would be ) and his bosses are rather bowled over by his 10/10
teacher -evaluation scores from his difficult students. We are fairly sure they will be offering him salary soon. Pheeww, so glad for that.

We are all working hard and feeling hopeful, things are on the up.

There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~Coco Chanel

Want some pasta with all that sauce? Yes, the toddlers have taken over. Henry and Eliot's insistence on the word, "No!" have been figuring prominently. As have the, "I don have time for dat, daddy" and the throwing, pushing, "Mine,mine,mine" ugh! Matt and I are persevering...barely. We are trying to be consistent and to not allow ourselves to also merit timeouts! Although sometimes I really need one, ha,ha,ha!

Throughout all of this growth and conspicuous early teen behaviour, Eliot and Henry have been doing well. All of Eliot's people have been coming on daily basis and will continue to do so. We do not yet see a big change in his tricky behaviours, the ABA person seems confident that we can start working on some things. Having a hand in dealing with his level of frustration and subsequent tantrums would be great. But on the plus side, Matt has, by some amazing feat of brilliance, continued to find a way to help Eliot to handle bath-time. Matt is the water whisperer and I am so relieved. No more screams or holding in the tub, Eliot now listens and seems to tolerate the "three times and then dab-dab" rule. Yeah!!!!

Henry is still talking a mile a minute and he is so lively, at all our playgroups Henry helps Eliot to acclimate and tells him that "it'll be fun, Eyiot".

Matt is working hard and the ESL instructor job is holding on, of course it is, and Matt will soon be starting a photography club. I wanna be in his class:) He is also ( hush, hush ) working on what will be a stellar novel. Good things, good creative juices flowing.

As for ME, I am launching into trauma assessments and learning about touching people and various rote tasks. I am tired, still waiting not to be quite so exhausted.

The fam is ticking along,
Poor but happy,

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou

Now I am in it, mixed in and thoroughly diced, sliced and pureed in it; school! Yes. The homework, reading, mad test panic, the flash-card making, not enough time, do I remember this from how many years ago feelings...Yes, check, all the listed passengers are accounted for! Phewww. It is an exciting and yet terrifying time for Rachel.

All good things, yet the constant barrage of information especially at the 7-10 pm range are sapping my strength. "Must...get...coffee...now."
I think it is also our Captain's manner of alluding to the bell mentality of our particular course. I am thinking of the Marine Corps. and the basic training scene that always pops up in movies where some drill Sergeant is daring his recruits to ring the bell so that they can go home, stop the pain, and relax.
Our EMT class version of this seems to be couched in the subtle, yet effective way in which we are told that EMTs are prone to stress, burnout, PTSD and that many people find themselves in the position of realizing that they are not, in fact, cut out for the job. That the hours are brutal, the pay is crap and well, let's face it, it is a tough job. It is in these moments that I am forced to wonder if the Cap. isn't just weeding out the weak. Wait, I'm not the weak, am I? No, no, my tenacious mind replies. I am the strong, I can do this...

During the day, my boys are busier by the minute as my Eliot is accessing all kinds of different services related to his diagnosis. We are excited about the ABA lady who will be joining us and I have been looking into any and all kinds of animal therapies. I won't lie, it is a lot to know and a lot to contend with in terms of the information out there. I have been reading both about Autism and ABA therapies as well as sensory issues and activities. By night I am chin deep in anatomy and pathophysiology. My life has taken a most interesting turn, directly inside it seems.

Eliot's scripted speech moments are becoming more and more frequent and sometimes really quite funny. He is fond of saying, " Okay, yeah, sure" in quite a loud and boisterous tone, followed by, "thank-you you're welcome." Henry told Uncle the other day that he looked tired, " Maybe you needa take a nap of a cup of coffee?" Yeah, he really did.

As time is just flying by I am realizing this will be the boys' third fall already, I love watching them get bigger. We are all ready for the next step - stay tuned.

"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.” Oscar Willde quote

Fall seems to be approaching today, something about the crispness in the air and the quality of light in the midday sky. Finally, I am again joining the new pencils group: the people that return to teachers, desks and the smell of B.O. in a poorly lit room. Is there anything better?
Ha, well, to be honest I am in week two of my EMT course and it is absolutely awesome! I really love everything about this course. The teachers/captains are amazing and the practical saturdays (read hands on training) as well as the lectures are informative and exciting.
I had no idea I would like it this much, The other, more interesting thing is how much I enjoy having my very own "thing". I think after two years of my babies and their worries, their growth and development, surgeries and all, it feels good to "feed" myself something deliciously all mine.
I found myself telling some Mom friends that I liked being the "loose and easy" girl in class and not the mom...to which they laughed pretty hard saying that I may not want to be known for that :)

The truth is that I am just glad to have this, for me, for my future but also for the balance that it offers.

Eliot and Henry are doing well, Henry's vocabulary is growing exponentially every day. He makes me laugh daily and it seems that his toddler urge to "fight the power" has lessened ever so slightly. "You know what I doing, Mommy? I making some soup and some pizza. Caw-ful, is hot!" is a usual Henry-ism right now.

Eliot has been progressing in his vocab as well, albeit more slowly and much more deliberatly than his brother. I sometimes think that the fact the he has Henry as a model is so helpful. Besides, Eliot teaches Henry plenty: )

We are meeting with the ABA people today to discuss Eliot and we are going to try to line up all the ducks. So far, things are looking pretty good.

Holland is a land of intense paradox. It is quite impossible, but it is there. - M. E. W. Sherwood

We got the diagnosis. After a false start and a lot of well meaning people with the wrong answers, I finally feel as though we have the right one. Eliot was given the diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ( PDD NOS ). It means that he has a form of Autism that they see in very high functioning people. We are strangely happy. The doctor related a poem/story about parents who find themselves faced with an Autism diagnosis for one of their children:

Becoming a parent is like preparing for a trip to Italy.
You find yourself getting excited about learning the language and you buy tons of phrase books to start learning.
You map routes and destinations to visit along the way, you learn about the cuisine and decide on places to eat.
You learn so much about Italy and then you are in the plane on your way there.
Suddenly the pilot comes on to say, "Welcome to Holland".

I understood what the doctor was trying to say, that Holland (child with Autism) is still a unique and lovely place to visit but it is unlike Italy and what you had prepared for.
For us, I told her it was more like:

We have been flying in the fog for months, we keep landing in unfamiliar places that just don't seem to agree with us.
We keep having to fly around and find out what direction we should be going!
Panicked and exhausted, the pilot comes on and says, "Welcome to Holland!" and we are so relieved!
We sort of suspected that we may have been circling the Netherlands for some time.

The Doctor laughed, but I think she got a feel for what Matt and I have been going through. Now that we have this diagnosis I am eager to get Eliot all the services we can. Our EI person will continue to see us and we will just be adding on. We will be getting an ABA therapist as well as a Speech Pathologist to help Eliot with social pragmatics ( I had to look that one up)


I feel that someone has finally seen what we see, I want to capitalize on all of it. The more help we can provide Eliot with, the better.

Next week, I start my course and that will also be a n adjustment period for the family. I think it will be difficult to adjust to a few nights of Mom away, but I know that everyone will eventually learn to adjust. There is a lot going on for our family and I am feeling as though we are reaching new places.

I want to be strong enough to do it all and to be it all, I am hoping that I will find all of that, digging in a bit and pushing forward.