Better a tooth out than always aching. Thomas Fuller

Yep, got my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday. It was an emergency affair and rather painful at the onset. While it was quickly yanked, the Novocaine has worn off today and it is a tad bit throbby. Generally I am feeling quite tough:)

Needless to say, been busy! Class is now halfway completed. I have scored ever so much better than I could have imagined. I usually have a rather poor perception of my own ability to succeed, I suppose in my younger years those fears were grounded in a rather long string of failures. Looking back now, all of the school issues and the multiple expulsions from various places were, in fact, my own design; that and an overly developed dislike of authority figures.
Strangely school now, the late hours, the homework, the stress and test anxiety, are all wonderful places for me to develop personally. The kids, my "domestic life" as it is, Eliot's daily appointments with people take an incredible amount of time and energy. It is nice to feel as though there is something just for me. Besides, I really like this amazing stuff I am learning.

Eliot is doing well with three, wait four ladies that come to our house and help him with his sensory issues, social skills, eye contact, waiting skills and the list goes on. The results have been impressive. Eliot has come from a no eye contact, high anxiety place of beginning and has moved to a lot of eye contact, better social skills and a generally happier experience of the world. It is amazing, we are blessed to have had this access for Eliot.

Henry continues to talk and talk...he is like a little man! His imagination is very well developed and the world is his oyster, really it is:)

Matt's job is going very well, he is impressive ( as I knew he would be ) and his bosses are rather bowled over by his 10/10
teacher -evaluation scores from his difficult students. We are fairly sure they will be offering him salary soon. Pheeww, so glad for that.

We are all working hard and feeling hopeful, things are on the up.

There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~Coco Chanel

Want some pasta with all that sauce? Yes, the toddlers have taken over. Henry and Eliot's insistence on the word, "No!" have been figuring prominently. As have the, "I don have time for dat, daddy" and the throwing, pushing, "Mine,mine,mine" ugh! Matt and I are persevering...barely. We are trying to be consistent and to not allow ourselves to also merit timeouts! Although sometimes I really need one, ha,ha,ha!

Throughout all of this growth and conspicuous early teen behaviour, Eliot and Henry have been doing well. All of Eliot's people have been coming on daily basis and will continue to do so. We do not yet see a big change in his tricky behaviours, the ABA person seems confident that we can start working on some things. Having a hand in dealing with his level of frustration and subsequent tantrums would be great. But on the plus side, Matt has, by some amazing feat of brilliance, continued to find a way to help Eliot to handle bath-time. Matt is the water whisperer and I am so relieved. No more screams or holding in the tub, Eliot now listens and seems to tolerate the "three times and then dab-dab" rule. Yeah!!!!

Henry is still talking a mile a minute and he is so lively, at all our playgroups Henry helps Eliot to acclimate and tells him that "it'll be fun, Eyiot".

Matt is working hard and the ESL instructor job is holding on, of course it is, and Matt will soon be starting a photography club. I wanna be in his class:) He is also ( hush, hush ) working on what will be a stellar novel. Good things, good creative juices flowing.

As for ME, I am launching into trauma assessments and learning about touching people and various rote tasks. I am tired, still waiting not to be quite so exhausted.

The fam is ticking along,
Poor but happy,

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou

Now I am in it, mixed in and thoroughly diced, sliced and pureed in it; school! Yes. The homework, reading, mad test panic, the flash-card making, not enough time, do I remember this from how many years ago feelings...Yes, check, all the listed passengers are accounted for! Phewww. It is an exciting and yet terrifying time for Rachel.

All good things, yet the constant barrage of information especially at the 7-10 pm range are sapping my strength. "Must...get...coffee...now."
I think it is also our Captain's manner of alluding to the bell mentality of our particular course. I am thinking of the Marine Corps. and the basic training scene that always pops up in movies where some drill Sergeant is daring his recruits to ring the bell so that they can go home, stop the pain, and relax.
Our EMT class version of this seems to be couched in the subtle, yet effective way in which we are told that EMTs are prone to stress, burnout, PTSD and that many people find themselves in the position of realizing that they are not, in fact, cut out for the job. That the hours are brutal, the pay is crap and well, let's face it, it is a tough job. It is in these moments that I am forced to wonder if the Cap. isn't just weeding out the weak. Wait, I'm not the weak, am I? No, no, my tenacious mind replies. I am the strong, I can do this...

During the day, my boys are busier by the minute as my Eliot is accessing all kinds of different services related to his diagnosis. We are excited about the ABA lady who will be joining us and I have been looking into any and all kinds of animal therapies. I won't lie, it is a lot to know and a lot to contend with in terms of the information out there. I have been reading both about Autism and ABA therapies as well as sensory issues and activities. By night I am chin deep in anatomy and pathophysiology. My life has taken a most interesting turn, directly inside it seems.

Eliot's scripted speech moments are becoming more and more frequent and sometimes really quite funny. He is fond of saying, " Okay, yeah, sure" in quite a loud and boisterous tone, followed by, "thank-you you're welcome." Henry told Uncle the other day that he looked tired, " Maybe you needa take a nap of a cup of coffee?" Yeah, he really did.

As time is just flying by I am realizing this will be the boys' third fall already, I love watching them get bigger. We are all ready for the next step - stay tuned.

"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.” Oscar Willde quote

Fall seems to be approaching today, something about the crispness in the air and the quality of light in the midday sky. Finally, I am again joining the new pencils group: the people that return to teachers, desks and the smell of B.O. in a poorly lit room. Is there anything better?
Ha, well, to be honest I am in week two of my EMT course and it is absolutely awesome! I really love everything about this course. The teachers/captains are amazing and the practical saturdays (read hands on training) as well as the lectures are informative and exciting.
I had no idea I would like it this much, The other, more interesting thing is how much I enjoy having my very own "thing". I think after two years of my babies and their worries, their growth and development, surgeries and all, it feels good to "feed" myself something deliciously all mine.
I found myself telling some Mom friends that I liked being the "loose and easy" girl in class and not the mom...to which they laughed pretty hard saying that I may not want to be known for that :)

The truth is that I am just glad to have this, for me, for my future but also for the balance that it offers.

Eliot and Henry are doing well, Henry's vocabulary is growing exponentially every day. He makes me laugh daily and it seems that his toddler urge to "fight the power" has lessened ever so slightly. "You know what I doing, Mommy? I making some soup and some pizza. Caw-ful, is hot!" is a usual Henry-ism right now.

Eliot has been progressing in his vocab as well, albeit more slowly and much more deliberatly than his brother. I sometimes think that the fact the he has Henry as a model is so helpful. Besides, Eliot teaches Henry plenty: )

We are meeting with the ABA people today to discuss Eliot and we are going to try to line up all the ducks. So far, things are looking pretty good.

Holland is a land of intense paradox. It is quite impossible, but it is there. - M. E. W. Sherwood

We got the diagnosis. After a false start and a lot of well meaning people with the wrong answers, I finally feel as though we have the right one. Eliot was given the diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ( PDD NOS ). It means that he has a form of Autism that they see in very high functioning people. We are strangely happy. The doctor related a poem/story about parents who find themselves faced with an Autism diagnosis for one of their children:

Becoming a parent is like preparing for a trip to Italy.
You find yourself getting excited about learning the language and you buy tons of phrase books to start learning.
You map routes and destinations to visit along the way, you learn about the cuisine and decide on places to eat.
You learn so much about Italy and then you are in the plane on your way there.
Suddenly the pilot comes on to say, "Welcome to Holland".

I understood what the doctor was trying to say, that Holland (child with Autism) is still a unique and lovely place to visit but it is unlike Italy and what you had prepared for.
For us, I told her it was more like:

We have been flying in the fog for months, we keep landing in unfamiliar places that just don't seem to agree with us.
We keep having to fly around and find out what direction we should be going!
Panicked and exhausted, the pilot comes on and says, "Welcome to Holland!" and we are so relieved!
We sort of suspected that we may have been circling the Netherlands for some time.

The Doctor laughed, but I think she got a feel for what Matt and I have been going through. Now that we have this diagnosis I am eager to get Eliot all the services we can. Our EI person will continue to see us and we will just be adding on. We will be getting an ABA therapist as well as a Speech Pathologist to help Eliot with social pragmatics ( I had to look that one up)


I feel that someone has finally seen what we see, I want to capitalize on all of it. The more help we can provide Eliot with, the better.

Next week, I start my course and that will also be a n adjustment period for the family. I think it will be difficult to adjust to a few nights of Mom away, but I know that everyone will eventually learn to adjust. There is a lot going on for our family and I am feeling as though we are reaching new places.

I want to be strong enough to do it all and to be it all, I am hoping that I will find all of that, digging in a bit and pushing forward.

"If we cannot teach beasts to speak, we can at least learn silence from them." - Ivan Panin

What's that I hear? Wait, nothing at all - the slow whir of cars passing outside, the wind in the trees, a distant siren. For our house it is practically tomb-like. Normally we hear the yelling of our teenage boy next door and the never ending thud, thud, thud of his basketball, the wailing firetrucks tearing down the street from the fire station down the way, the NO. NO. NO ing of our own little balls of chaos...and suddenly, nothing. Ahhhhhhh, sleeping boys and soon to be rain. I am beginning to like this silence.

Our days have been chalk full of early intervention visits, soon to be three times a week including a play group we have been invited to attend. Matt is working hard at his job and has even managed to pick up some extra hours doing private classes through his school. I am gearing up for my EMT classes and thinking of how I am going to juggle everything. The boys, homework, night school, all the stuff I do everyday. It seems a little daunting to try to balance it all. We also have the May Institute follow up appointment coming up and I am anxious to see what the testing yielded, anxious is probably not the right word, chomping at the bit? Eliot's language is coming along beautifully, his social skills are still a little shaky as well as his sensory issues ( read: still no swimming or water play) . We could really use some help and support.

I also got my permanent resident visa appointment scheduled where they do my "biometrics" meaning fingerprinting, retina scanning, etc. I always feel uncomfortable in those small, sterile offices with terribly cold and business like people measuring and monitoring me. Hopefully it'll do it for a while. Nothing beats them measuring my pregnant belly...seriously!

I suppose it is time I wake up the Chiclets, um mm, so nice though to enjoy the silence for just another wee minute.

Sambok (삼복) the Dog Days of Summer are here:)

The humidity in Korea for the six years that I lived there was sticky, gross and unending (it seemed). I have to remind myself of that when temps. here in Boston are climbing into the hundreds. There are a few "dog days" in the Republic of Korea that literally serve dog days as more of a dish than a metaphor. The humidity and heat in Seoul at this time of year is so thick and so pervasive that when I arrived in mid July as a newbie, I was a literal down pouring of sweat wherever I went. It was a little embarrassing standing next to Koreans in business attire whose beautiful, smooth complexions did not have one drop of perspiration! I did acclimate eventually, but it took some time. Thank the sweet Shejus above that we have air conditioning and fans, I don't know how I did it as a child in a loft bed without air conditioning, phew.

On this dog day my boys are sweaty and grumpy after a mere two hours outside at the park ever so early this morning. The plan was to beat the heat and get there before 9:00, it seemed to work well except for the sizzle on the way back. Thank goodness we met up with other early risers (why do all these early riser parents seem to have boys?) and played nicely in a windy, shady spot.

I am beginning to get so excited as July winds down, my EMT training starts and it will be a wonderful way to transition into something new and exciting. I finally made it in on time and in good form. I feel like I am moving forward. Although the night classes will be tiring, I have a feeling they will be tiring in a good way.

Eliot and the early intervention people have been ticking along. His Occupational Therapist has been showing us more deep pressure techniques and we have been trying to get him to like his therapeutic brushing, hmmmm, still working on that one. He did remarkable well on our trip to Little Compton in RI. New place, new routine, tons of people and kids and although there were moments when he became very agitated (echoing, getting stuck on words, needing DP) he liked a lot of what was going on. He loved the "moon" and the "fire" which admittedly were my favourite parts as well.

We had the biggest, fullest pie in the sky set against a gorgeous backdrop of ocean and rocky shore, and right in the middle a lovely beachside roaring fire. What else do you want for a summer good time? What was even better was the adult time post-kid bedtime. It was so freeing to hang out late with the cool people that were there. It felt like breathing for the first time in a long time. I don't think anybody wanted to leave.

When Henry was saying goodbye to his cousin Zola he said, "Now I love you too much, I miss you too."

Matt is working at his ESL place and wondering what the state of his continuing will bring, I have faith they will love him and beg him to stay on:) Other than that we are putting one foot in front of the other, we are moving forward.

Eliot and Henry are growing up right in front of our eyes, it is STILL a miracle to me.

Wise are they who have learned these truths: Trouble is temporary. Time is tonic. Tribulation is a test tube. - William Arthur Ward

Ahhh yes, semi-peace this morning. I've brought out the mini-kitchen, a basket of plastic food, and utensils and now the boys are enjoying "coffee" and "cookies" they have skillfully made from their pink blenders.

Matt has survived a week at the new job with a few hiccups on his first day, looks as though it runs as well as other language schools at which he has worked. He is happy to be working, although the boys admittedly miss him like crazy. Eliot is constantly noticing, "Daddy's car" and "working, see you soon". Henry runs like a batouttahell when Daddy comes home.

Last week while hectic, was still fruitful! Shirlee, my mother-in-law sent from heaven, and my brother-in-law Mark equally angelic, came to our rescue for the appointments that required only Eliot's participation and not Henry's. Shirlee AKA Nana, spent some special time with Henry while Uncle and I took Eliot to the May Institute to be re-assessed. I will suffice it to say that the testing process, supposedly the same standardized testing, was so glaringly different it curled my hair! Eliot reacted quite differently this time also, not surprisingly, and I feel as though they ( the docs ) got a very clear picture. Uncle waited for the nearly 3 hours of testing and Eliot could not wait to get out to see him. We will have to wait until August for the results, phewwww.

The genetic appointment went quite well also, Dr. J told us that Eliot has some chromosomal deletions that may or may not be relevant. At this point, Matt and I will be tested by blood to see if we also share those same deletions. If we do, the assumption is that Eliot will be equally crazy:) We are not, at this point, worried.

Tomorrow is the fourth of July and friday was Canada Day. It seems that we will be doing some celebrating this long weekend. Seems like good timing. We are feeling mighty lucky :)

Patience is the companion of wisdom. - St. Augustine

As I begin to write, Henry is sitting beside for what seems like the hundredth tim-out of the morning! He has been trying a new "screaming" technique with Eliot to see if out talking him will get him the toy. Ugh, not impressed to say the least.

Life has been looking up for the Ferrara-Brown clan at long, long last. Matt just accepted a position at a language academy ( read Hagwon for all my ROK peeps ) in Harvard Square in the trendy and bohemian rich Cambridge area. Although Matt has only been hired on as summer staff, there is the possibility of full-year employment. I know that they will be blown away by Matt's supersonic teaching styles and have to have him there:) Matt really is a great teacher, patient, unassuming and friendly while being totally knowledgeable in all things ESL. Just saying:)

The boys, aside from Henry's anarchistic behaviour, are doing well. Eliot speech continues to blossom and he is finally putting together two words and expressing himself in new ways. While his expressive language flowers, his sensory issues seem to be taking a bit of a nosedive. Getting Eliot anywhere near the bath, nevermind in the bath, is a test. A couple of weeks ago he peed in the bath and completely freaked out, both Matt and I were pretty laid back about the urination thing and even Henry who was sharing the bath did not seem to mind much. However, Eliot was just beside himself, I wonder if it was just the involuntary and unpredictable peeing that set him off. Since then he has been afraid of the bath.The other night it was like trying to bathe a cat: Eliot howling like he was being set on fire and Matt and I trying diligently to wash our squirming son; his fat little foot constantly climbing the lip of the tub trying to escape. What fun!

Our visit with the Children's people was rather vague, they were adamantly clear about his non-Autistic diagnosis but did not seem to have any other ideas as to what was actually going on with Eliot. What they were sure about was how ELiot needed MORE occupational therapy ( 3x a week) and they would follow up with us.

Tomorrow morning we are seeking a second opinion with the May Institute and I am really hoping that I don't get the runaround. It is very hard to illustrate what we are dealing with when Eliot has a wonderful time with little sensory play and lots of quiet, calm ladies. I want Eliot to "reveal himself" a little so that we can give him all the help that he needs.

In the meantime, I am bravely thinking of going to the wading pool today. Eliot playing with cars and Henry in the water? We shall see, wish me luck:)

R

"All who joy would win must share it, happiness was born a twin" Lord Byron

Summer is here and suddenly our week of spring is gone:) The boys are changing and growing in leaps and bounds, the second birthday a month gone now. The way that they talk, and move, and question things is evolving so much. I see the boys they are becoming, and I am filled with such pride and love for these two miraculous potatoes.

We continue to try to hunt down and solve Eliot's issues as his sensory sensitives ( sibilance?) are becoming more and more emphasized. The poolside weather approaches and with it my own apprehension that it will like last summer: Eliot horrified to touch the water and literally clinging to the sides of the fence that surround the little wading pool. The pool at the "Y" also stirred fear and worry in Eliot who took a few steps in the therapy pool and stood, rather like a block of wood. Matt and I are searching for the name of this thing that prevents Eliot from picking up certain foods, and that dismantle him if there is a change in routine, a name for the thing that enrages him should his "man" in his toy car not sit in the absolute perfect manner...It is a difficult and daunting thing to express. All that Matt and I know is that it IS there and we want to help him in the best way we can. Pheewwww, who knew parenting would be like this? :)

That said, Eliot's language evolution is putting his last diagnosis to shame, his "communication disorder" is farcical as we watch him point, name and sing. He is a veritable wealth of words and information. Henry also is chatting up a storm and insists that Eliot do his bidding, "Eyyot, eat dis, Eyyot have dis, Eyyyot come inna water, it'da be fun". They are so close, so present for each other, I feel lucky. That is in between the fighting and screaming for toy supremacy:)

Matt has an interview on wednesday and we are feeling good. My EMT course starts in August and I am hoping to attend. As our job hunting net has been cast further and further, we aren't sure where we will end up. Both Matt and I are going where the jobs are. Rochester, Vermont, Maine...

We are hopeful, or at least trying to be. Our boys and our love, in between the fighting and screaming for TV show supremacy:) keep us strong.

until the next time,

R

Three cheers for Eliot!

This week has been a big blur of hospital visits, both for me and the kids. Eliot and Henry had their well baby visit on Monday to mark their 2nd birthday. Aside from a strange limp that Henry developed after a hepatitis a/b shot, both boys are strong and growing well. Yeah, no small feat after such shaky beginnings:)

Friday was Eliot's big renal day, he had an RNC ( a nuclear medicine test) done and it looks like the ureter reimplantation surgery was a resounding success: no more reflux! That means that his crappy kidney will always be crappy, but no more damage is occurring, yeah! Dr. B reported that ELiot had "made his day" and he sure made ours. Unfortunately, Eliot was so scared and the water involved in the test to help him urinate ( a sensory no-no for Elli ) was terrible for him.

Following the RNC poor Eliot had to get an EKG done on his heart ( as per the geneticists orders) and he did very well considering the stress of the first test. He was able to watch Elmo on the TV they had in the room ( awesome ) and he tolerated it quite well. I was so proud of my boy, he is so tenacious and he has been through so much. Eliot's heart is fine, thank goodness and no, dear young and distracted doctor, he is NOT adopted:( Whatevah!

We are finally able to take Eliot off daily antibiotics and perhaps not worry all that much about the little dude.

Yep, I hear them waking up...

Happy birthdaze...

We are back from what seemed like a long time gone! Henry and Eliot were amazing, and toddler-ee:) The flight going to Toronto went swimmingly, that is until we ended up in the jet bridge disembarking from our double stroller in the middle of some sort of roaring noise! Both boys immediately burst into tears and insisted that I pick them both up. What was so fantastic is that we had the entire line up of people waiting behind us as I tried to shimmy both boys into their seats in a very narrow aisle. It was fairly painless while in the air as juice and magnadoodles did the trick. I jimmied the pile of luggage and car seats ( think Grinch sled) and the stroller one arm pulling, one arm pushing. The entire time I was whispering to myself, "You are awesome," I am sure many people were admiring my crazyness, ha,ha!

The days following touchdown were difficult as both boys came down with a stomach bug that quickly spread to my Dad. All involved were crotchety and Eliot enjoyed a Monty Pythonian puke that painted the walls, couch, and carpet as our relatives seated in a circle around us watched:0 Needless to say, Eliot felt much better afterwards.

The boys enjoyed some indoor playground time and "Poppie" was great at helping to find things for them to do in the rotten weather( sleet, snow and rain). It was a little tight at home and difficult for the boys to keep out of things and my dad's office. On the whole I was ultra proud of my awesome kids for negotiating a new place while not feeling well.

The flight home was also great except for a d-bag of a security lady who asked me, "How are you gonna do this by yourself?"when referring to me and my screaming brood. Thanks, I thought, are you offering to help? I literally had to shove both boys through the scanner, nice and one point for Mommy! Nothing a little chocolate milk couldn't fix.

And today, a day before both of my little cheese buns turn two I am awed at the struggles they had on this week two years ago to now. I love you, boys. You are my everything:) Now I know why I got a Gemini twin symbol tattoo, number 2 - for my best 2 and my honey, Matt.

Poppie and Henry and Eliot all share the same birthday, April 26th:)

This was Henry

on his actual Birthday:)

Little Eliot at the NICU in

Montreal - he was so sweet and little.

Little Henry with his feeding tube - he still looks

the same:)

The first time I saw my boys while I was on the gurney after my c-section.

The whole gang today! They really do grow~

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Gustav Jung

Yep, gonna take Cheech & Chong to Toronto. Just me and my "lap child" and my ticketed kid. A little nervous, yep, palms are starting to sweat a bit. But, the good news is, I did it before. In fact, one year ago I took both kids and a huge car-seat and my double stroller, luggage, junk. Yeah, that's probably why I am nervous:) lol.

I have a "Cares Harness" for my one kid, and movies and cool unopened games for the short 1.5 flight. It'll be okay. Right?

I am looking forward to seeing the Motherland, friends and family after the year it has been. Poppie and Pops will be happy to see the kids and vice versa.

I will share about how it all goes, fingers crossed.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. ~Robert Fulg

We spent last week going to the Ymca play group which was really good because event though it is spring, the weather is not cooperating! Henry thoroughly enjoys his jumping time in the bouncy house and of course seeing his friends. Eliot as well loves his practice dribbling and throwing and catching balls - this "ball" thing is his latest love. Looking forward to going to Toronto to visit the Motherland in a couple of weeks:)

We spent last week at the genetics department of Children's having Eliot measured. Dr. J was thorough. The first discovery was that Eliot has a forked uvula, a split or heart shape instead of the usual droplet shape at the backs of our throats. Apparently this is a form of a cleft pallet, genetically that it. We have an appointment with an ear/nose/throat Doctor to see about that and the impact it may be having on his ears. Interestingly, this uvula thing can also have an impact on his speech. Hmmmmm....

As well, we have to double check Eliot's heart as he was born with a PDA - a duct that should close after birth to allow blood flow to the heart etc. We will see a cardiologist to determine if everything healed up the right way. All of these things are to basically rule things out.

Dr. J assured us that this is how they do it, rule things out etc. He was quite interested in Eliot's eyes and how they did not look like Matt or I. We shall see... All of these Genetic things are scary, Fragile X syndrome, Noonan Syndrome and the list goes on...

We are often told with Eliot that has this or has that beginning in utero: Downs, CF and that list goes on. He was born and he was okay, we will hope for the same now.

In other news, I got a chance to do some free lance writing now, I am excited about that. Matt is thrilled about more photography shoots to showcase his talents.

As the quote says, " ...everything else is inconvenience". We just have to be hopeful and be grateful.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" - Oscar Wilde

Ah yes, the stomach flu - how awful that vomit and diarrhea can actually be permitted to coexist together. Tuesday afternoon both boys began the horrendous journey into the "stomach flu zone" which began with a few rather benign watery poos and devolved into something much, much worse; Projectile vomiting, screaming, diarrhea and long intense 'bouts of whining and whimpering.

Both Matt and I feel so badly for our kids and also, conversely have the urge to quietly leave them at Target for an hour in a paper box to fend for themselves:) So far we haven't left them anywhere, it is probably in part due to the fact that they are feeling a little bit better today.

This is day 5 of this monstrous bug, it had better get its meaty claws out of my family soon, or ELSE!

Spring is here, or at least approaching at a fairly leisurely rate, I will take it. Nice to have a little sun on our bleached and drawn faces. My double stroller can actually fit down the sidewalk and I am feeling a little lighter, a little happier.

Matt and I have been up to all kinds of brave things these days, no not just marriage and parenting twins:) But also getting our little Eliot assessed at the Developmental Medicine Center of Boston Children's Hospital. It would take a long time to fully articulate everything leading up to this, suffice it to say that both Matt and I saw behavior in Eliot that we felt on a very gut level was "something".

The good news is that he is not on the Autism Spectrum for which we are truly grateful, and that he has a "Communication Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, he will be getting help from a speech pathologist to help with this as well as some other services down the road. We will also be getting him down to the Genetic Testing Center as well just to rule out some issues there. The even better news is that Eliot scored above average in cognition and problem solving in his evaluation, this as our Doc said points to above average intelligence ( I knew that anyway:). He scored lower in expressive language ( We also knew about that:). All good news, we are happy that Eliot will be getting any and all help that he needs.

Henry is doing well and speaking in sentences now, "Mama, want chocolate milk, like it, peeease" for example. We are blown away with his language ability - he is not even two yet! Eliot's frustrations over communicating are probably exacerbated because of Henry's ease at communicating.

Matt has some hopeful employment opportunities coming down the pipe and it looks like I will be staring back up with my freelance writing, yeah! Then on to EMT school, goody, goody.

I feel like we are finally starting to surface from the lower levels... yeah!

Those who are Awake
live in a state of constant amazement ...

~ Jack Kornfield ~

Poo-poo trucks and chicken

So Eliot pood in the bathtub tonight, he really, really did. Not since he was a little minute old has he done that. I had just taken Henry out of the tub and had him wrapped in a towel when I saw my little man crouching in the tub. Eli looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and suddenly there was a whole bunch of "chicken" as Henry called it in the water! OMG!

So, yep, not quite at the potty training stage yet:) Henry is talking up a storm right now. It is as though our whole lives are being narrated by a toddler.

"Car, beep, beep" , "want it", "have it" etc. Eliot is really practicing his blinking:)

Just to end on a little poo-poo note, our day began as a sewage truck parked in front of our house to suck up overflowing plumbing. The boys were quick to watch said poo-poo truck until it pulled away waving, "bye, bye, poo - poo truck".

More snow. Yep, there it is flying around outside, floating little orbs descending on the already pregnant piles of snow lining the streets. Given that it is February still, I suppose that winter is supposed to still be here and present, even if we are so totally done with it already:)

It is going on into the fifth month of no work for our family, Matt and I are looking fervently for any sign, any break that may be on the horizon. So far he has had 2 interviews for jobs that are not nearly enough money or hours. The unemployment dollars are stretched so thin they are practically transparent. I know that others have it worse, I know that we are lucky to have what we do. But I am getting to the WTF portion now.

It might also be the encroaching Republican noise about redefining rape, attempting to re-model the women's right to choose, the Tea Party and all of its racist and white solipsistic propping up. The idea that Texas Universities are vying for more guns at their schools...All of it seems to be piling up.

The whole remembering to be grateful thing, yeah, trying really hard to be humble but it seems to be overtaken by the roaring of anxiety and the blood rushing in my ears. I am scared, really scared of what this all means for our family right now. I feel as though we are running in a little hamster wheel repeating the same actions and hoping that the outcome will be different...soon. One of us must stay with the kids, double dollars for childcare does not even make sense right now. One of must work, Matt has more chance of employment than I at this point, and he has better odds of making money with his teaching license and experience. My childcare expertise is a pittance sum, but I am seriously considering night work? We are searching out alphabetical plan Z's...

We are searching for work out of state and, as a last resort, out of country should we need to.

We would be in dire straits now without the generosity of so many people, but after a point one does not want to be the object of charity. I am exercising my mind to hold on, we are making a date that at such a point as the "job" does not appear that we will try a plan b, c, d, etc. All dependent on how well our kids would do in that given situation.

These are tough times, I know that we are tough too, but our edges are frayed and tired.

We have each other, we have our little family all together. That is something to be grateful for.

The Grand Tour...

I think we have reached the bleak portion of the winter, ugh, January. Our entire house has been to the hospital, or hospitals really in the last while. This hospital visiting is not helping the mood around here at all. Henry at MEEI, Matt at Cambridge and me at Whidden and Somerville for ridiculous injuries; my eye being poked. Really, no kidding, Henry poked me square in the old eyeball and it really hurt. As it turns out I have a corneal abrasion: http://www.emedicinehealth.com/corneal_abrasion/article_em.htm

It looks as though I am all clear, 'cept for some ointment, it's okay.

Eliot is healing well physically, he appears to be a little troubled about anyone messing with him: diaper changes, face washing, hair washing, brushing etc. We know that he has some sensory issues and I will be keeping a close eye to make sure he is doing okay.

Matt is still looking for work and we have been job searching together, he has been applying all over the place. We are keeping fingers crossed that something comes to fruition, Matt is so talented and a wonderful teacher anyone would be lucky to have him. I know, I know, but it's true.

The kids and I have been going to the " Y " to get the lead out and get the sillies out a bit. I am looking forward to warmer weather when we can go the park and enjoy outside. But I am grateful for all the friends and support that we have here in Malden.

Looking at the two corn cakes makes me proud to be their mom, they are so amazing.

Ba-Bye, All Done

We have been home since Wednesday and it was both better and worse than I thought the surgery and hospital would be. Eliot seemed to "know" that we were in a hospital and to understand fully that the people in the white coats were going to get all " up in his grill" so to speak:)

There was screaming and anxiety in the holding room just before surgery, when a nurse or other uniformed person came anywhere near him he would start howling...yes, he knows now.

Thankfully the anaesthesiologist recommended that we try a drug mixed with his Tylenol to relax him. We were happy to try this drug and about 15 minutes after Eliot took the mix orally he looked stoned out of his mind. His adorable little head lolled back as I held him in my arms while his sleepy little eyes stared at the T.V, exclaiming, "Ball, baaaaaaalllllllllll" in a slow drawl.

I went in to the O.R. with him in full scrubs just to settle him while they began the mask, there was no need as he was in the ninth dimension, but I was glad to tuck him in.

Three hours passed in the family waiting room at Boston Children's Hospital, a long corridor filled with four person seating next to windows overlooking more buildings. Some parents looked haggard drinking coffee, others talked too loudly about nothing. Everyone there was stuck waiting.

When our Dr. B came out to let us know that Eliot was great and the operation looked good, we were so relieved. He was in recovery and we could go to him shortly...

Knowing that Henry was at home with Nana was such a gift for us, it really allowed us to focus on Eliot which is what we needed to do.

We went in to see Eliot, he had an IV, an oxygen saturation band-aid attached to his finger in a glowy red light and he looked comfortable. There was no screaming when he woke up, no delirium, we were so blessed. The time before Eliot suffered so much from that wake-up from anaesthetic and whatever they did at Children's certainly did the trick. He woke up slowly, nicely and demanded juice not once, but twice with a shake of his little pudgy hand. He was even a little flirty with his nurse.

The first night in the hospital was terrible, Eliot woke up many times crying and many times had to be given different meds to control his pain /bladder spasms. While he ate a little hot dog, I was warned he may throw everything up. I told the nurses that my son would never waste food like that, this was Eliot after all:) I was right, he kept everything down like a champ.

The morning proved to be a little strange as his cath was removed and yet he was not peeing, his little belly was so taut and round and full by the afternoon that something had to be done. Eliot was so uncomfortable that he could not stand, they re-cath'd him to allow his urine to come out; which it did at a whooping 300cc. Enough to fill one of those vomit kidney pans completely. It was quite impressive.

Dr. B had commented that the pain prevented him from wanting to pee and the bladder spasm meds had relaxed his bladder too much. He was taken off all of the drugs and Voila! He peed, slowly and then more and then on day 3, we were allowed to go home.

No one wants to stay in the hospital, but I felt lucky to go home with my son in pretty good health. Good to be grateful I think.

Eliot tried to hide in the closet to avoid his last vitals check with the very nice nurse and looked at every nurse saying, "Ba-bye, all done" until we really were on our way. He did not even want to go into his room at the hospital, just standing outside the door was close enough. Poor little guy, he has really had enough of hospitals to last a lifetime.

Hopefully that will be our last stay in one for a long, long time.

Now we will do an ultrasound in February just to make sure everything is okay, if it is we won't see anybody until 6 months have passed. Awesome!

The recovery is okay, he thinks he is fine and wants to jump on all the ride-on toys and balloon houses he can, we have to monitor and hold him back from a lot of the rough stuff. But all in all he is doing great.

Pheewwww, I am not even going to utter those fateful words of anything drawing to a conclusion as the last time I did that Matt ended up in the E.R ! That was on the weekend and he had stomach back ache things, worried he got checked out. Looks as though he has one kidney that is a little bigger than the other and he will be getting checked out in six months. Nothing to worry about so far.

So yeah, suffice it to say that we are ready 2011, our little family is ready.

Just another manic monday - The big Surgery Day

Here it is the first day of the new year, that seemed fast somehow. I am hoping that 2011 has some exciting new plans for our little family. Monday is fast approaching, Eliot will be going in to Boston Children's Hospital and Dr. B will be re-implanting his ureter on the left side. It will be a 3 to 4 hour surgery and hopefully minimal recuperation time. It is less invasive than thought before as they will be going into his bladder from the outside in, not the other way around. After a long, long day at the pre-op. appointment on Thursday Matt and I felt confident about Eliot's procedure. I still feel confident but now that it is so close I am a little worried for our boy. I am sure he will be fine blah, blah, blah. But that is our little boy and it is scary.

I will be staying at the hospital with him and I am really hoping that he will recover well and not feel too much pain. I have been reading about bladder spasms that can occur in these types of surgeries and I am keeping my fingers crossed that he will not be one of the ones that it affects. They are super painful and require different meds. for pain management. I am just hoping that our little boy's left kidney will stop being damaged by his urinary reflux and hold onto the 12% function that he has. Some is better than none in this case I am told. Nana aka Shirlee will be staying at ours to help with Henry and the go-between times. We would be completely and utterly lost without Nana and Papa.

I am wondering if we will go in when he is being put to sleep? I have been there for Henry a number of times and while it can be a little weird watching your child fight the mask and its effects, I feel as though it is better they see you before they go to sleep. I can hack it if he can, right?

Pheeewww, I have been writing my crazy little O.C.D. lists and pre-packing all of our things for the hospital. I have made lists of what to do with Henry while we are away, lists of what we need to pack, lists of lists to write, I have made checklists and more lists...I am beginning to realize that part of my coping mechanism in these strange times is the illusion of control. I micro-manage everything that is within MY power in the hopes that everything else will just follow suit. Yeah, I know, a little crazy. But hey, whatever works.

Matt is the only person I could ever do any of this with, really, all of it, which is a lot of "this", trust me:) I think back to the moment I knew that I was falling for him and I said that if we got together it would be something "serious" and I was right. Marrying your best friend is awesome, maddening at times, but mostly awesome. Knowing that we have each other throughout all of this makes it okay somehow - that and our two super cool boys. They are tenacious as hell, ha:)

*Updated blog - check

* Felt cathartic release - check

* Ummm, you get the idea:)

R