"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.” Oscar Willde quote

Fall seems to be approaching today, something about the crispness in the air and the quality of light in the midday sky. Finally, I am again joining the new pencils group: the people that return to teachers, desks and the smell of B.O. in a poorly lit room. Is there anything better?
Ha, well, to be honest I am in week two of my EMT course and it is absolutely awesome! I really love everything about this course. The teachers/captains are amazing and the practical saturdays (read hands on training) as well as the lectures are informative and exciting.
I had no idea I would like it this much, The other, more interesting thing is how much I enjoy having my very own "thing". I think after two years of my babies and their worries, their growth and development, surgeries and all, it feels good to "feed" myself something deliciously all mine.
I found myself telling some Mom friends that I liked being the "loose and easy" girl in class and not the mom...to which they laughed pretty hard saying that I may not want to be known for that :)

The truth is that I am just glad to have this, for me, for my future but also for the balance that it offers.

Eliot and Henry are doing well, Henry's vocabulary is growing exponentially every day. He makes me laugh daily and it seems that his toddler urge to "fight the power" has lessened ever so slightly. "You know what I doing, Mommy? I making some soup and some pizza. Caw-ful, is hot!" is a usual Henry-ism right now.

Eliot has been progressing in his vocab as well, albeit more slowly and much more deliberatly than his brother. I sometimes think that the fact the he has Henry as a model is so helpful. Besides, Eliot teaches Henry plenty: )

We are meeting with the ABA people today to discuss Eliot and we are going to try to line up all the ducks. So far, things are looking pretty good.

Holland is a land of intense paradox. It is quite impossible, but it is there. - M. E. W. Sherwood

We got the diagnosis. After a false start and a lot of well meaning people with the wrong answers, I finally feel as though we have the right one. Eliot was given the diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ( PDD NOS ). It means that he has a form of Autism that they see in very high functioning people. We are strangely happy. The doctor related a poem/story about parents who find themselves faced with an Autism diagnosis for one of their children:

Becoming a parent is like preparing for a trip to Italy.
You find yourself getting excited about learning the language and you buy tons of phrase books to start learning.
You map routes and destinations to visit along the way, you learn about the cuisine and decide on places to eat.
You learn so much about Italy and then you are in the plane on your way there.
Suddenly the pilot comes on to say, "Welcome to Holland".

I understood what the doctor was trying to say, that Holland (child with Autism) is still a unique and lovely place to visit but it is unlike Italy and what you had prepared for.
For us, I told her it was more like:

We have been flying in the fog for months, we keep landing in unfamiliar places that just don't seem to agree with us.
We keep having to fly around and find out what direction we should be going!
Panicked and exhausted, the pilot comes on and says, "Welcome to Holland!" and we are so relieved!
We sort of suspected that we may have been circling the Netherlands for some time.

The Doctor laughed, but I think she got a feel for what Matt and I have been going through. Now that we have this diagnosis I am eager to get Eliot all the services we can. Our EI person will continue to see us and we will just be adding on. We will be getting an ABA therapist as well as a Speech Pathologist to help Eliot with social pragmatics ( I had to look that one up)


I feel that someone has finally seen what we see, I want to capitalize on all of it. The more help we can provide Eliot with, the better.

Next week, I start my course and that will also be a n adjustment period for the family. I think it will be difficult to adjust to a few nights of Mom away, but I know that everyone will eventually learn to adjust. There is a lot going on for our family and I am feeling as though we are reaching new places.

I want to be strong enough to do it all and to be it all, I am hoping that I will find all of that, digging in a bit and pushing forward.

"If we cannot teach beasts to speak, we can at least learn silence from them." - Ivan Panin

What's that I hear? Wait, nothing at all - the slow whir of cars passing outside, the wind in the trees, a distant siren. For our house it is practically tomb-like. Normally we hear the yelling of our teenage boy next door and the never ending thud, thud, thud of his basketball, the wailing firetrucks tearing down the street from the fire station down the way, the NO. NO. NO ing of our own little balls of chaos...and suddenly, nothing. Ahhhhhhh, sleeping boys and soon to be rain. I am beginning to like this silence.

Our days have been chalk full of early intervention visits, soon to be three times a week including a play group we have been invited to attend. Matt is working hard at his job and has even managed to pick up some extra hours doing private classes through his school. I am gearing up for my EMT classes and thinking of how I am going to juggle everything. The boys, homework, night school, all the stuff I do everyday. It seems a little daunting to try to balance it all. We also have the May Institute follow up appointment coming up and I am anxious to see what the testing yielded, anxious is probably not the right word, chomping at the bit? Eliot's language is coming along beautifully, his social skills are still a little shaky as well as his sensory issues ( read: still no swimming or water play) . We could really use some help and support.

I also got my permanent resident visa appointment scheduled where they do my "biometrics" meaning fingerprinting, retina scanning, etc. I always feel uncomfortable in those small, sterile offices with terribly cold and business like people measuring and monitoring me. Hopefully it'll do it for a while. Nothing beats them measuring my pregnant belly...seriously!

I suppose it is time I wake up the Chiclets, um mm, so nice though to enjoy the silence for just another wee minute.

Sambok (삼복) the Dog Days of Summer are here:)

The humidity in Korea for the six years that I lived there was sticky, gross and unending (it seemed). I have to remind myself of that when temps. here in Boston are climbing into the hundreds. There are a few "dog days" in the Republic of Korea that literally serve dog days as more of a dish than a metaphor. The humidity and heat in Seoul at this time of year is so thick and so pervasive that when I arrived in mid July as a newbie, I was a literal down pouring of sweat wherever I went. It was a little embarrassing standing next to Koreans in business attire whose beautiful, smooth complexions did not have one drop of perspiration! I did acclimate eventually, but it took some time. Thank the sweet Shejus above that we have air conditioning and fans, I don't know how I did it as a child in a loft bed without air conditioning, phew.

On this dog day my boys are sweaty and grumpy after a mere two hours outside at the park ever so early this morning. The plan was to beat the heat and get there before 9:00, it seemed to work well except for the sizzle on the way back. Thank goodness we met up with other early risers (why do all these early riser parents seem to have boys?) and played nicely in a windy, shady spot.

I am beginning to get so excited as July winds down, my EMT training starts and it will be a wonderful way to transition into something new and exciting. I finally made it in on time and in good form. I feel like I am moving forward. Although the night classes will be tiring, I have a feeling they will be tiring in a good way.

Eliot and the early intervention people have been ticking along. His Occupational Therapist has been showing us more deep pressure techniques and we have been trying to get him to like his therapeutic brushing, hmmmm, still working on that one. He did remarkable well on our trip to Little Compton in RI. New place, new routine, tons of people and kids and although there were moments when he became very agitated (echoing, getting stuck on words, needing DP) he liked a lot of what was going on. He loved the "moon" and the "fire" which admittedly were my favourite parts as well.

We had the biggest, fullest pie in the sky set against a gorgeous backdrop of ocean and rocky shore, and right in the middle a lovely beachside roaring fire. What else do you want for a summer good time? What was even better was the adult time post-kid bedtime. It was so freeing to hang out late with the cool people that were there. It felt like breathing for the first time in a long time. I don't think anybody wanted to leave.

When Henry was saying goodbye to his cousin Zola he said, "Now I love you too much, I miss you too."

Matt is working at his ESL place and wondering what the state of his continuing will bring, I have faith they will love him and beg him to stay on:) Other than that we are putting one foot in front of the other, we are moving forward.

Eliot and Henry are growing up right in front of our eyes, it is STILL a miracle to me.

Wise are they who have learned these truths: Trouble is temporary. Time is tonic. Tribulation is a test tube. - William Arthur Ward

Ahhh yes, semi-peace this morning. I've brought out the mini-kitchen, a basket of plastic food, and utensils and now the boys are enjoying "coffee" and "cookies" they have skillfully made from their pink blenders.

Matt has survived a week at the new job with a few hiccups on his first day, looks as though it runs as well as other language schools at which he has worked. He is happy to be working, although the boys admittedly miss him like crazy. Eliot is constantly noticing, "Daddy's car" and "working, see you soon". Henry runs like a batouttahell when Daddy comes home.

Last week while hectic, was still fruitful! Shirlee, my mother-in-law sent from heaven, and my brother-in-law Mark equally angelic, came to our rescue for the appointments that required only Eliot's participation and not Henry's. Shirlee AKA Nana, spent some special time with Henry while Uncle and I took Eliot to the May Institute to be re-assessed. I will suffice it to say that the testing process, supposedly the same standardized testing, was so glaringly different it curled my hair! Eliot reacted quite differently this time also, not surprisingly, and I feel as though they ( the docs ) got a very clear picture. Uncle waited for the nearly 3 hours of testing and Eliot could not wait to get out to see him. We will have to wait until August for the results, phewwww.

The genetic appointment went quite well also, Dr. J told us that Eliot has some chromosomal deletions that may or may not be relevant. At this point, Matt and I will be tested by blood to see if we also share those same deletions. If we do, the assumption is that Eliot will be equally crazy:) We are not, at this point, worried.

Tomorrow is the fourth of July and friday was Canada Day. It seems that we will be doing some celebrating this long weekend. Seems like good timing. We are feeling mighty lucky :)

Patience is the companion of wisdom. - St. Augustine

As I begin to write, Henry is sitting beside for what seems like the hundredth tim-out of the morning! He has been trying a new "screaming" technique with Eliot to see if out talking him will get him the toy. Ugh, not impressed to say the least.

Life has been looking up for the Ferrara-Brown clan at long, long last. Matt just accepted a position at a language academy ( read Hagwon for all my ROK peeps ) in Harvard Square in the trendy and bohemian rich Cambridge area. Although Matt has only been hired on as summer staff, there is the possibility of full-year employment. I know that they will be blown away by Matt's supersonic teaching styles and have to have him there:) Matt really is a great teacher, patient, unassuming and friendly while being totally knowledgeable in all things ESL. Just saying:)

The boys, aside from Henry's anarchistic behaviour, are doing well. Eliot speech continues to blossom and he is finally putting together two words and expressing himself in new ways. While his expressive language flowers, his sensory issues seem to be taking a bit of a nosedive. Getting Eliot anywhere near the bath, nevermind in the bath, is a test. A couple of weeks ago he peed in the bath and completely freaked out, both Matt and I were pretty laid back about the urination thing and even Henry who was sharing the bath did not seem to mind much. However, Eliot was just beside himself, I wonder if it was just the involuntary and unpredictable peeing that set him off. Since then he has been afraid of the bath.The other night it was like trying to bathe a cat: Eliot howling like he was being set on fire and Matt and I trying diligently to wash our squirming son; his fat little foot constantly climbing the lip of the tub trying to escape. What fun!

Our visit with the Children's people was rather vague, they were adamantly clear about his non-Autistic diagnosis but did not seem to have any other ideas as to what was actually going on with Eliot. What they were sure about was how ELiot needed MORE occupational therapy ( 3x a week) and they would follow up with us.

Tomorrow morning we are seeking a second opinion with the May Institute and I am really hoping that I don't get the runaround. It is very hard to illustrate what we are dealing with when Eliot has a wonderful time with little sensory play and lots of quiet, calm ladies. I want Eliot to "reveal himself" a little so that we can give him all the help that he needs.

In the meantime, I am bravely thinking of going to the wading pool today. Eliot playing with cars and Henry in the water? We shall see, wish me luck:)

R

"All who joy would win must share it, happiness was born a twin" Lord Byron

Summer is here and suddenly our week of spring is gone:) The boys are changing and growing in leaps and bounds, the second birthday a month gone now. The way that they talk, and move, and question things is evolving so much. I see the boys they are becoming, and I am filled with such pride and love for these two miraculous potatoes.

We continue to try to hunt down and solve Eliot's issues as his sensory sensitives ( sibilance?) are becoming more and more emphasized. The poolside weather approaches and with it my own apprehension that it will like last summer: Eliot horrified to touch the water and literally clinging to the sides of the fence that surround the little wading pool. The pool at the "Y" also stirred fear and worry in Eliot who took a few steps in the therapy pool and stood, rather like a block of wood. Matt and I are searching for the name of this thing that prevents Eliot from picking up certain foods, and that dismantle him if there is a change in routine, a name for the thing that enrages him should his "man" in his toy car not sit in the absolute perfect manner...It is a difficult and daunting thing to express. All that Matt and I know is that it IS there and we want to help him in the best way we can. Pheewwww, who knew parenting would be like this? :)

That said, Eliot's language evolution is putting his last diagnosis to shame, his "communication disorder" is farcical as we watch him point, name and sing. He is a veritable wealth of words and information. Henry also is chatting up a storm and insists that Eliot do his bidding, "Eyyot, eat dis, Eyyot have dis, Eyyyot come inna water, it'da be fun". They are so close, so present for each other, I feel lucky. That is in between the fighting and screaming for toy supremacy:)

Matt has an interview on wednesday and we are feeling good. My EMT course starts in August and I am hoping to attend. As our job hunting net has been cast further and further, we aren't sure where we will end up. Both Matt and I are going where the jobs are. Rochester, Vermont, Maine...

We are hopeful, or at least trying to be. Our boys and our love, in between the fighting and screaming for TV show supremacy:) keep us strong.

until the next time,

R