Better a tooth out than always aching. Thomas Fuller

Yep, got my wisdom tooth pulled out yesterday. It was an emergency affair and rather painful at the onset. While it was quickly yanked, the Novocaine has worn off today and it is a tad bit throbby. Generally I am feeling quite tough:)

Needless to say, been busy! Class is now halfway completed. I have scored ever so much better than I could have imagined. I usually have a rather poor perception of my own ability to succeed, I suppose in my younger years those fears were grounded in a rather long string of failures. Looking back now, all of the school issues and the multiple expulsions from various places were, in fact, my own design; that and an overly developed dislike of authority figures.
Strangely school now, the late hours, the homework, the stress and test anxiety, are all wonderful places for me to develop personally. The kids, my "domestic life" as it is, Eliot's daily appointments with people take an incredible amount of time and energy. It is nice to feel as though there is something just for me. Besides, I really like this amazing stuff I am learning.

Eliot is doing well with three, wait four ladies that come to our house and help him with his sensory issues, social skills, eye contact, waiting skills and the list goes on. The results have been impressive. Eliot has come from a no eye contact, high anxiety place of beginning and has moved to a lot of eye contact, better social skills and a generally happier experience of the world. It is amazing, we are blessed to have had this access for Eliot.

Henry continues to talk and talk...he is like a little man! His imagination is very well developed and the world is his oyster, really it is:)

Matt's job is going very well, he is impressive ( as I knew he would be ) and his bosses are rather bowled over by his 10/10
teacher -evaluation scores from his difficult students. We are fairly sure they will be offering him salary soon. Pheeww, so glad for that.

We are all working hard and feeling hopeful, things are on the up.

There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~Coco Chanel

Want some pasta with all that sauce? Yes, the toddlers have taken over. Henry and Eliot's insistence on the word, "No!" have been figuring prominently. As have the, "I don have time for dat, daddy" and the throwing, pushing, "Mine,mine,mine" ugh! Matt and I are persevering...barely. We are trying to be consistent and to not allow ourselves to also merit timeouts! Although sometimes I really need one, ha,ha,ha!

Throughout all of this growth and conspicuous early teen behaviour, Eliot and Henry have been doing well. All of Eliot's people have been coming on daily basis and will continue to do so. We do not yet see a big change in his tricky behaviours, the ABA person seems confident that we can start working on some things. Having a hand in dealing with his level of frustration and subsequent tantrums would be great. But on the plus side, Matt has, by some amazing feat of brilliance, continued to find a way to help Eliot to handle bath-time. Matt is the water whisperer and I am so relieved. No more screams or holding in the tub, Eliot now listens and seems to tolerate the "three times and then dab-dab" rule. Yeah!!!!

Henry is still talking a mile a minute and he is so lively, at all our playgroups Henry helps Eliot to acclimate and tells him that "it'll be fun, Eyiot".

Matt is working hard and the ESL instructor job is holding on, of course it is, and Matt will soon be starting a photography club. I wanna be in his class:) He is also ( hush, hush ) working on what will be a stellar novel. Good things, good creative juices flowing.

As for ME, I am launching into trauma assessments and learning about touching people and various rote tasks. I am tired, still waiting not to be quite so exhausted.

The fam is ticking along,
Poor but happy,

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou

Now I am in it, mixed in and thoroughly diced, sliced and pureed in it; school! Yes. The homework, reading, mad test panic, the flash-card making, not enough time, do I remember this from how many years ago feelings...Yes, check, all the listed passengers are accounted for! Phewww. It is an exciting and yet terrifying time for Rachel.

All good things, yet the constant barrage of information especially at the 7-10 pm range are sapping my strength. "Must...get...coffee...now."
I think it is also our Captain's manner of alluding to the bell mentality of our particular course. I am thinking of the Marine Corps. and the basic training scene that always pops up in movies where some drill Sergeant is daring his recruits to ring the bell so that they can go home, stop the pain, and relax.
Our EMT class version of this seems to be couched in the subtle, yet effective way in which we are told that EMTs are prone to stress, burnout, PTSD and that many people find themselves in the position of realizing that they are not, in fact, cut out for the job. That the hours are brutal, the pay is crap and well, let's face it, it is a tough job. It is in these moments that I am forced to wonder if the Cap. isn't just weeding out the weak. Wait, I'm not the weak, am I? No, no, my tenacious mind replies. I am the strong, I can do this...

During the day, my boys are busier by the minute as my Eliot is accessing all kinds of different services related to his diagnosis. We are excited about the ABA lady who will be joining us and I have been looking into any and all kinds of animal therapies. I won't lie, it is a lot to know and a lot to contend with in terms of the information out there. I have been reading both about Autism and ABA therapies as well as sensory issues and activities. By night I am chin deep in anatomy and pathophysiology. My life has taken a most interesting turn, directly inside it seems.

Eliot's scripted speech moments are becoming more and more frequent and sometimes really quite funny. He is fond of saying, " Okay, yeah, sure" in quite a loud and boisterous tone, followed by, "thank-you you're welcome." Henry told Uncle the other day that he looked tired, " Maybe you needa take a nap of a cup of coffee?" Yeah, he really did.

As time is just flying by I am realizing this will be the boys' third fall already, I love watching them get bigger. We are all ready for the next step - stay tuned.

"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.” Oscar Willde quote

Fall seems to be approaching today, something about the crispness in the air and the quality of light in the midday sky. Finally, I am again joining the new pencils group: the people that return to teachers, desks and the smell of B.O. in a poorly lit room. Is there anything better?
Ha, well, to be honest I am in week two of my EMT course and it is absolutely awesome! I really love everything about this course. The teachers/captains are amazing and the practical saturdays (read hands on training) as well as the lectures are informative and exciting.
I had no idea I would like it this much, The other, more interesting thing is how much I enjoy having my very own "thing". I think after two years of my babies and their worries, their growth and development, surgeries and all, it feels good to "feed" myself something deliciously all mine.
I found myself telling some Mom friends that I liked being the "loose and easy" girl in class and not the mom...to which they laughed pretty hard saying that I may not want to be known for that :)

The truth is that I am just glad to have this, for me, for my future but also for the balance that it offers.

Eliot and Henry are doing well, Henry's vocabulary is growing exponentially every day. He makes me laugh daily and it seems that his toddler urge to "fight the power" has lessened ever so slightly. "You know what I doing, Mommy? I making some soup and some pizza. Caw-ful, is hot!" is a usual Henry-ism right now.

Eliot has been progressing in his vocab as well, albeit more slowly and much more deliberatly than his brother. I sometimes think that the fact the he has Henry as a model is so helpful. Besides, Eliot teaches Henry plenty: )

We are meeting with the ABA people today to discuss Eliot and we are going to try to line up all the ducks. So far, things are looking pretty good.

Holland is a land of intense paradox. It is quite impossible, but it is there. - M. E. W. Sherwood

We got the diagnosis. After a false start and a lot of well meaning people with the wrong answers, I finally feel as though we have the right one. Eliot was given the diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ( PDD NOS ). It means that he has a form of Autism that they see in very high functioning people. We are strangely happy. The doctor related a poem/story about parents who find themselves faced with an Autism diagnosis for one of their children:

Becoming a parent is like preparing for a trip to Italy.
You find yourself getting excited about learning the language and you buy tons of phrase books to start learning.
You map routes and destinations to visit along the way, you learn about the cuisine and decide on places to eat.
You learn so much about Italy and then you are in the plane on your way there.
Suddenly the pilot comes on to say, "Welcome to Holland".

I understood what the doctor was trying to say, that Holland (child with Autism) is still a unique and lovely place to visit but it is unlike Italy and what you had prepared for.
For us, I told her it was more like:

We have been flying in the fog for months, we keep landing in unfamiliar places that just don't seem to agree with us.
We keep having to fly around and find out what direction we should be going!
Panicked and exhausted, the pilot comes on and says, "Welcome to Holland!" and we are so relieved!
We sort of suspected that we may have been circling the Netherlands for some time.

The Doctor laughed, but I think she got a feel for what Matt and I have been going through. Now that we have this diagnosis I am eager to get Eliot all the services we can. Our EI person will continue to see us and we will just be adding on. We will be getting an ABA therapist as well as a Speech Pathologist to help Eliot with social pragmatics ( I had to look that one up)


I feel that someone has finally seen what we see, I want to capitalize on all of it. The more help we can provide Eliot with, the better.

Next week, I start my course and that will also be a n adjustment period for the family. I think it will be difficult to adjust to a few nights of Mom away, but I know that everyone will eventually learn to adjust. There is a lot going on for our family and I am feeling as though we are reaching new places.

I want to be strong enough to do it all and to be it all, I am hoping that I will find all of that, digging in a bit and pushing forward.

"If we cannot teach beasts to speak, we can at least learn silence from them." - Ivan Panin

What's that I hear? Wait, nothing at all - the slow whir of cars passing outside, the wind in the trees, a distant siren. For our house it is practically tomb-like. Normally we hear the yelling of our teenage boy next door and the never ending thud, thud, thud of his basketball, the wailing firetrucks tearing down the street from the fire station down the way, the NO. NO. NO ing of our own little balls of chaos...and suddenly, nothing. Ahhhhhhh, sleeping boys and soon to be rain. I am beginning to like this silence.

Our days have been chalk full of early intervention visits, soon to be three times a week including a play group we have been invited to attend. Matt is working hard at his job and has even managed to pick up some extra hours doing private classes through his school. I am gearing up for my EMT classes and thinking of how I am going to juggle everything. The boys, homework, night school, all the stuff I do everyday. It seems a little daunting to try to balance it all. We also have the May Institute follow up appointment coming up and I am anxious to see what the testing yielded, anxious is probably not the right word, chomping at the bit? Eliot's language is coming along beautifully, his social skills are still a little shaky as well as his sensory issues ( read: still no swimming or water play) . We could really use some help and support.

I also got my permanent resident visa appointment scheduled where they do my "biometrics" meaning fingerprinting, retina scanning, etc. I always feel uncomfortable in those small, sterile offices with terribly cold and business like people measuring and monitoring me. Hopefully it'll do it for a while. Nothing beats them measuring my pregnant belly...seriously!

I suppose it is time I wake up the Chiclets, um mm, so nice though to enjoy the silence for just another wee minute.

Sambok (삼복) the Dog Days of Summer are here:)

The humidity in Korea for the six years that I lived there was sticky, gross and unending (it seemed). I have to remind myself of that when temps. here in Boston are climbing into the hundreds. There are a few "dog days" in the Republic of Korea that literally serve dog days as more of a dish than a metaphor. The humidity and heat in Seoul at this time of year is so thick and so pervasive that when I arrived in mid July as a newbie, I was a literal down pouring of sweat wherever I went. It was a little embarrassing standing next to Koreans in business attire whose beautiful, smooth complexions did not have one drop of perspiration! I did acclimate eventually, but it took some time. Thank the sweet Shejus above that we have air conditioning and fans, I don't know how I did it as a child in a loft bed without air conditioning, phew.

On this dog day my boys are sweaty and grumpy after a mere two hours outside at the park ever so early this morning. The plan was to beat the heat and get there before 9:00, it seemed to work well except for the sizzle on the way back. Thank goodness we met up with other early risers (why do all these early riser parents seem to have boys?) and played nicely in a windy, shady spot.

I am beginning to get so excited as July winds down, my EMT training starts and it will be a wonderful way to transition into something new and exciting. I finally made it in on time and in good form. I feel like I am moving forward. Although the night classes will be tiring, I have a feeling they will be tiring in a good way.

Eliot and the early intervention people have been ticking along. His Occupational Therapist has been showing us more deep pressure techniques and we have been trying to get him to like his therapeutic brushing, hmmmm, still working on that one. He did remarkable well on our trip to Little Compton in RI. New place, new routine, tons of people and kids and although there were moments when he became very agitated (echoing, getting stuck on words, needing DP) he liked a lot of what was going on. He loved the "moon" and the "fire" which admittedly were my favourite parts as well.

We had the biggest, fullest pie in the sky set against a gorgeous backdrop of ocean and rocky shore, and right in the middle a lovely beachside roaring fire. What else do you want for a summer good time? What was even better was the adult time post-kid bedtime. It was so freeing to hang out late with the cool people that were there. It felt like breathing for the first time in a long time. I don't think anybody wanted to leave.

When Henry was saying goodbye to his cousin Zola he said, "Now I love you too much, I miss you too."

Matt is working at his ESL place and wondering what the state of his continuing will bring, I have faith they will love him and beg him to stay on:) Other than that we are putting one foot in front of the other, we are moving forward.

Eliot and Henry are growing up right in front of our eyes, it is STILL a miracle to me.