Jennifer said...
You circumcised your boys? Why?
August 13, 2010 5:32 PM
So, I was just going to post a reply when I suddenly became so incensed and had to wonder at my feelings. Hmmmmm, Rachel why so pissy? I started thinking that being asked this kind of question is a form of judgment. It is a way of injecting a kind of pejorative, sanctimonious blanket over a seemingly benign query.
I realized that such a big part of mothering is going on guts, instinct, cultural norms and upbringing and I believe that most moms are constantly questioning themselves anyway. I myself am always questioning, wondering, asking my mom friends, "Do you think that xyz is ___________?". So, when other people/moms/ questions and judge it really frosts my cupcakes. What works for one mom may not work for another, the secret, I think, is finding out what works for you.
I wanted to relate a pre-mother example of just this sort of thing using "moi" as my character.
Let us begin, enter Rachel at the University of Toronto, women's studies class, circa 1997. Rachel ( me ) totally self-righteous, knowing all of the answers, thanks for coming out but I came to teach YOU something ( read: sighing with shame ). Yes, well, that Rachel was going on about the perils of using hospital drugs while in childbirth, enduring the pain without drugs was "natural" I remember stating in my neverhadababy wisdom. I remember saying something like, "Why would you get an epidural? So your baby can be all drugged out when he/she is born?".
I thought I had that all wrapped up when an older woman approached me and said, " Until you have given birth, you should not claim to know what choices that you will make. Also, it is about choice, it is about what works for each woman in that situation." and she calmly sauntered off.
I remember that flaming face feeling of knowing, gulp, that she was right, and also that it was not my job to decide what was right for all women, just for me. Ironic, really when in later years I had an emergency c-section, spinal -blockers, and a slew of other non"natural" drugs. See how the universe makes you learn?
That lesson stays with me, and it has certainly been emphasized by all of experiences here, in Boston, with twins.
So, I guess in response to Jennifer:
Do I detect a derisive sort of judgmental tone? I could tell you that it was health reasons, that my son's degenerative kidney function forced us into it. That in Quebec, where both of my sons were born, they no longer perform circs. as a routine birth procedure. I could tell you that my other son has a kind of phimosis that called for surgery. I could tell you this as a way of apologizing for my choices, or I could just hope that in a community of women, of mothers, that we respect our different choices, we attempt not to judge each other, but to support one another. Lord knows, raising kids is hard enough.
So, from old Rachel to new Rachel, (Ha, I get it), knew you would :)
4 comments:
Here's another response:
"I chose to circumsize my boys because I chose to circumsize my boys." You don't need to justify your reasons for doing what you and Matt feel is right for your family, but I realize this is a blog, of course.
That's my girl, tellin' it like it is. Love you.
Was certainly not trying to upset or offend. I will certainly think before asking what could be a touchy question in the future.
I was only curious what your take was on the whole (or in this case, less than whole) matter.
It is a debate which interests me. I am sorry I quickly spouted my question, rather than take the time to put it in a more delicate, "new mom" friendly way...
Again, I apologize for having offended. I am however, glad to have inspired such ferociously good writing!
Thanks for the words, Jennifer. While I think that putting it in a "new mom" way is not really what I meant. I think that asking people to validate their choices is sensitive for anyone. However, I also think that I was building towards a point myself and used your comment as a springboard. THanks for your kind words and your apology.
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